# Marriage advice



## BroParker (Sep 16, 2013)

I'm a brother that's been married for two and a half years, and I've been fighting since the day we said I do. Can someone help?


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## ChaplinMike277 (Sep 16, 2013)

Bro no man can help you, my question  to you is did you talk to God before you said I do

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## JJones (Sep 16, 2013)

If you're looking for advise and wish to continue making things work I'd suggest marriage counseling if you haven't tried that yet.

Hope everything works out for the best.


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## BroParker (Sep 16, 2013)

ChaplinMike277 said:


> Bro no man can help you, my question  to you is did you talk to God before you said I do
> 
> Freemason Connect HD



Yes I did but its been no talking its been demands and lies, from the both of us

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## ChaplinMike277 (Sep 16, 2013)

May I contact you for one on one?

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## BroParker (Sep 16, 2013)

Yeah

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## crono782 (Sep 16, 2013)

I advise seeking professional marriage counseling honestly. You need someone who is an unbiased third party to help moderate an explore your issues. Best of luck brother. 


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## ChaplinMike277 (Sep 16, 2013)

Email me @ _*Email address removed by mod and sent to user via Private Message*_

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## BroParker (Sep 16, 2013)

Thanks brothers

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## Blake Bowden (Sep 18, 2013)

My ex-wife and I began dating in 1996, got married in 2001 and had two great kids after. We finally Divorced in 2012 and the more I look back, the better things are. The arguments, the check lists we both had on how demean the other one sucked and got really old. We remain friends to this day, especially for the kids but there's no way I'd go back. Our big issue was communication or lack thereof. If I brought something up, I was just complaining. I'm now in a happy relationship where we have disagreements, but we can sit down and talk things over with respect. December will mark our first anniversary. Best of luck Brother.


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## Dis1Recording (Sep 19, 2013)

ChaplinMike277 said:


> Bro no man can help you, my question  to you is did you talk to God before you said I do
> 
> Freemason Connect HD



Amen 2 That ....


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## jeffself (Sep 20, 2013)

Brother I was married for 11 and half yrs and I have two great kids from the marriage ..the problem we had was that I supported her all though college but she never supported me in masonry or anything i done .if it was any thing i liked it was foolish and a waste of time we divorced two yrs ago cause of ummm let's just say her unfaithfulness but that never stopped me from looking for happiness the first yr I concentrated on my kids and work and lodge .i kept myself busy .then I met the women who I asked to marry me .shes a great women who loves my kids as her own ..but what I'm trying to say is no matter the out come or how bad it seems there is happiness out there .if you can't find no way to work it out then sometimes it's best for both to walk away..now dont get me wrong i don't believe in divorce but sometimes it doesn't work out ..just pray and ask for god u lead u down the right path .will be praying for u  


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## rebis (Sep 23, 2013)

ChaplinMike277 said:


> Bro no man can help you, my question  to you is did you talk to God before you said I do
> 
> Freemason Connect HD






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## BroParker (Sep 23, 2013)

To all the brothers that spoke up with their views, thank you. I know God will not steer me wrong. 

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## rebis (Sep 23, 2013)

I kindly and respectfully disagree with ChaplinMike. The divorce rate is extremely low in our fraternity. Most of the brothers that I now have been happily married for decades and decades. 

I would suggest asking some of the lodge brothers that have been married for a while. Perhaps their stories might offer some practical inspiration. As our fraternity makes us better men and husbands, the O.E.S might benefit your wife as well...and it is something you can be involved in together.

S/F 



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## jvarnell (Sep 23, 2013)

I dated my wife 4 years (high school) and have been married 33 years and I think it is more us growing up together that did this.  We did not know we had a choice but to learn each others ways and work with them.  I think it also helps if you don't use the words "my money", "my time" or my anything but use our.  When we went to collages in deferent places I also think it was not saying "I want to so my wild oats" while I am in collage.  I know all situations are deferent but the word "my" I have a problem with.  When our mother died my sister and brother said my to many times and they got everything they wanted and then complained about it.  The word "my" in a lot of cases is a selfish word except when it is used to distinguish descriptions that is undisputed.

I will pray for your happiness and resolution.  I hope y'all don't use "my" to much when you are discussing things.


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## FSUJAG (Sep 23, 2013)

Been married for 35 years, you will never be free of arguments but there is hope but it takes both of you. As said before it can't my or me but us. Kids are important but they will grow and leave. So your priority must be her and hers you. You have to under stand you can't fix her problems. You want to fix but what she wants is for you to listen. Most of all you both need to laugh. We use to keep a pair of water pistols at the kitchen sink. If we got into a heated argument it was up to one of us to get the pistols and shoot it out. Before you knew it we were laughing. It worked for us, maybe you could find something similar. Good luck and my prayers will be with you and your wife. Remember it will take you both to decide you want to turn the marriage around. Make sure you agree on the distraction and what it stands for. 


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## ritualjunkie (Mar 8, 2014)

I have been married for 19 years. As with other brothers here, our marriage has not been free of rough times, and has teetered on the verge of divorce more than once.  The best advice I have for you, brother, is based solely on what has brought my wife and me this far.

1. Do not race your wife to see who can first get to the "victim chair."

​-By that I mean that, in my experience, it is the ultimate goal of most arguments to establish that you have been wronged or are in some other way a "victim."​Proverbs 25:12 says "Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is the rebuke of a wise judge to a listening ear." Now, you may not agree that your spouse is always a wise judge, but chances are that she knows you better than anyone else. A wise man listens to rebuke or correction, and evaluates if there is any truth in it from which he should learn something. A fool rejects possible wisdom without even testing himself by it. Learn to RESPOND to her instead of REACT in defense of yourself.

​​2. This is my best advice to ANY MAN, OF ANY AGE if he desires to have what was intended in his marriage.
​*
Ephesians 5:25-28*
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (*red, here, does not indicate the words of CHRIST, but rather my own addition of highlight) 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

​-We all want to fight for OUR RIGHTS, but it takes real courage and strength to lay down what you believe you are due to allow your love for your wife to override your rights. Everyone understands the feelings expressed in the statement "Well, I would do this for her, if she would only do that for me." or "I would act the way she wants if she would just act that way too."  In the above scripture, the church was not without stain, wrinkle or blemish, but JESUS chose to lay down HIS right to demand perfection (Which HE actually had, unlike you and I) and instead sacrificed HIMSELF for the church. In other words, she does NOT have to deserve to be treated in this way to be treated in this way. You, however, can only change you, not her.  Changes that come about in her will be because of the man you are becoming. Wash her feet! (And I don't just mean figuratively. I have found that doing something that really stands out or is shocking, can serve as a mile marker for a new beginning)
​


Hopefully your wife's feet are prettier than my buddy's, who modeled for this photo ​

3. There is stuff in the same passages of scripture addressed to her, but you don't worry about that.  That's not to you!  You swim in your lane and take care of being the man that she would love to live that way for.  The question is do we have the *balls* to live like that?  Try it! It was miraculous in my marriage.  I don’t have it down yet, but on my best days, I experience what, I believe, GOD has in mind for us in marriage.
​ 
My most sincere thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.
May GOD place HIS hand of healing into the brokenness that exists in all of us, and more especially, right now, your marriage.​


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## davidterrell80 (Mar 8, 2014)

Sometimes. one can do the work, prayerfully seeking a bride--and receiving a positive affirmation from God--and still be led into a trial of sanity and faith. 

I figure God meant it for a test for my commitments to be a follower of the Christian Master... my refining fire... God's application of the try-square and, seeing I might still avoid the heap of rejected blocks, sent me back for further shaping and polishing.  

For her, the facade she built was a reflection of the manner in which she wanted to live, but it required too much energy for her to maintain the facade until it became the real thing. She was a rough ashlar and ran from the sometimes painful self-application of chisel and gavel. I was her opportunity to live in a loving environment... but, bless her heart, she could not step away from her past, and the anger it created in her.  

On a deployment to Iraq, my live was made hell by trials and threats foreign and domestic.

In fervent prayer, I plead, "How long am I to be her husband?" and in a moment of grace, received the answer "Until you are not, anymore."

It was another 7 years of patient enduring, always exhorting peace, before I was "not, anymore." My ability to endure finally exceeded her ability to dish it out... if you think being meek is weak, try being meek for a week... or a lifetime.

We have parted, in peace. I love her still; to deny would be a lie. But we have parted and now, I heal.

You must pray...ASK! You must also listen from the reply from the other side... and, listen with the intent of being obedient to the inspirations and promptings that come to those who live by faith. I've never known God to guide me when I was in a state of mind that had no intention of being obedient.

But, in all things, remember that every mortal moment is part of your shaping... from a rough ashlar to a stone fit for the temple made without hands. Every person with whom you engage is one of God's working tools. In like manner, you are one of the working tools God is using to shape them. Your dilemma caused me to reflect once again, upon my own recent past. My remarks will, in some way, affect those who read for good or ill. 

Remember, always, that you are an example of the Masonic Ideal... and should shape your life accordingly, even in the face of anger, abuse and injustice.

God bless you, Brother. And, God bless us all.

Until we meet at the Masters feet, I remain, your Brother,
David


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## Warrior1256 (Sep 24, 2014)

crono782 said:


> I advise seeking professional marriage counseling honestly. You need someone who is an unbiased third party to help moderate an explore your issues. Best of luck brother.
> 
> 
> Freemason Connect HD


Sounds like very good advise.


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## MaineMason (Sep 24, 2014)

Marriage is a contract. Kind of like our oaths and obligations. Such contracts should not be entered into without serious contemplation or with  any evasion... or etc. 
whatsoever. 

I was married once. It was indeed a contract and involved love and fidelity. Some of you would be scandalized as to the gender of my spouse. None the less it was legal, respected, joyous, and he had the benefit of a Masonic funeral and the blessing of the Episcopal Church. 

I suggest that no one enter into marriage lightly, or out of a false sense of obligation. Too many do that. Many people who can throw bible verses around do that all the time. When you pledge yourself to another, and I say this as a Mason, consider it as a solemn oath or obligation and don't take that oath unless you are sure you can keep it.


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## Levelhead (Sep 24, 2014)

My first marriage ended because it started like that.

2 children later and im broke.


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## MaineMason (Sep 24, 2014)

Levelhead said:


> My first marriage ended because it started like that.
> 
> 2 children later and im broke.


Personally, I am unlikely to ever be married again, though the fact that I actually was is somewhat exceptional. I will say, however, as a Mason, I have been extremely willing to cooperate with the family of my late husband because I have power of attorney over his estate which includes property. It's difficult, but I took an oath and so I will do what I have to do and stretch my cable-tow if I have to. I loved that man. I will do what ever I have to do to keep it right and share what I inherited with his family. I remember the Masonic funeral my Lodge gave him. I remember my obligations. I have an obligation not only to the Fraternity, but I have one to the family I took on and I will NOT fail.


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## jjjjjggggg (Sep 25, 2014)

My dad told me the secret to a long healthy marriage was to not take any of his advice... he was married four times.

I've been married to my high school sweet heart over 12 years, and we've been together almost 20. She's been my best friend ever since I could even start driving. 

We had a rough patch in the beginning, when we both still needed to mature and grow up. But we both worked hard and took the effort to make it work. I think we've arrived at a place where we know what to expect from each other and we know each other's intentions. 

We did do some pre-marriage counseling with our pastor... but it wasn't as helpful as a book called "One Flesh" by Bob Yandian. It has a heavy Christian bend to it, but even though we both are no longer Christians, we know we owe a lot to what it taught us.


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## dmurawsky (Sep 25, 2014)

I'm not really very qualified to post here since I've only been married for a little over a year... However my wife and I have been together for 10. We had a few rough spots while dating, and we even broke up once, but we kept coming back to each other. The key was realizing that the other person's happiness is just as important, if not more so, than your own. When both halves of the relationship believe and act on this, the whole couple becomes a shining example of matrimony. Remember, in a marriage, you have chosen to live your life no longer as a unit of one. You have to act that way and beat down any petty thoughts/reactions that are motivated by anything else. Since we both adopted this outlook, we have been a "perfect" couple. We still have the occasional argument, but we are now able to get to the root cause and compromise in such a way that we are both happy. 
As an example, I make about twice as much as my wife right now. However, all of our money goes into one pooled account which we each take the same monthly allowance from. Initially I thought this was unfair, and it bothered me a bit. I kept telling myself, though, that this is best for my family and that it was the right thing to do. Fast forward a year, and it no longer bothers me.  Further, we are in an excellent financial position as a result! 
I would suggest that, when the next argument starts, you just stop. Say out loud "We are arguing again. Why? What is really bothering us?" Stop the downward spiral right when it begins. Find out what is really bothering the two of you at that point and address that instead of arguing about what is usually nothing. There are several books on this, and I would reiterate what others have said as well: couples counselling.


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## rpbrown (Sep 25, 2014)

One thing I read was "it's been all demands and lies from us both". Perhaps that needs to be the starting place to change. If not her then it should fall on you as the head of the house. Demands and lies will never make a marriage work. 
And as stated by others, marriage counseling.


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