# Relationship Advice



## Blake Bowden (Jun 15, 2013)

As many of you know, I've been divorced for over a year. Thankfully, my ex-wife and I maintain a good relationship, not only on a personal level, but as parents to our kiddos. 

That being said, I've been dating a girl since December and so far everything is going well, but there are a few issues that are bothering me. Mind you, I met my ex-wife when she was 17 and I was 20, so I don't have a ton of dating experience, especially when it comes to dating a decade or so later. 

Back to my situation - my girlfriend is a wonderful person, but has never offered to pay for anything, not a meal, not a movie, not even a beer! Over the past seven months, I've paid for every "out to dinner" meal, whether it's just us or my two boys and her son. When it comes to movies, I've paid for every movie, kids or no kids, not to mention all refreshments. Even though I drive to San Antonio (30 miles from me), we always take my car out, which only adds to insult. 

Tonight we talked about taking our boys (my 2, her 1) to see "Man of Steel" at the IMAX. Then I realized, it would cost ME $75 just for tickets, throw in footing the bill for refreshments and I could easily spend $100+ for one movie.

I've been quiet about it, but now I feel resentment. That being said, should a guy pay for everything when he's dating? Not only the girl, but her son too? It would be different if we were married as our income would pay OUR bills and entertain the kids equally, but paying 98% of the time seems unfair. Maybe I'm used to how JTM treats me, but every so often I'd like to be taken out. Thoughts?


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## tim (Jun 15, 2013)

First thing is that in my opinion you need to make a decision fast.  If you let this continue to bother you it could ruin your relationship.  Personally in this day and age it's your personal opinion.  I would not mind personally to pay but If I couldn't do so with ease I would just say that we can't go because it would stretch my finances.  A rule I have learned to love is being totally upfront and honest about everything.  It has some drawbacks but overall works for me.  If it bothered me I would mention it before I was angered.   Last thing is I would not expect her to pay if I could afford it but I would be concerned that she has never offered.  That to me is the real issue. 


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## Michael Hatley (Jun 15, 2013)

Thats a tough situation.

I've been married twice, but married something like 98% of my adult life so I may be a bad person to give advice here.....but for me, if I was dating, I'd pick up the tab no questions asked.  But expect it to be Dutch if it was an exclusive relationship and the lady was making a solid living.  And by Dutch I mean, "I've got this one" and "I've got this one" rotating back and forth at events - no wrangling about the minutiae of the bills, but you know.

And if she is never offered, not once, in many months?  I think you're Spidey sense is dead on, Brother.

To be direct, I'd not rush into exclusivity in your shoes unless you are deeply in love.  With anyone.  A man your age, with gainful employment, etc?  I'd take up rowing, get a good tan, go skydiving regularly, and go on a couple of cruises solo and revel in masculinity a while.

If you love her thats different, but just saying.  Keep in mind that single men our age with a good job, who are leaders of men, who are gentleman - and who can dance the tango?  High demand, my Brother.  High demand.


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## chrmc (Jun 15, 2013)

Think the key in any successful relationship is communication. If you want things to work, talk to your partner. This would be a perfect instance. Right now you don't know what she's thinking, everything is based on assumptions. And that is most often not a good route to go down.


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## crono782 (Jun 15, 2013)

Ill keep this short. My wife was similar when we dated and I had similar feelings. I finally broached the topic and I got an interesting answer. The "woman doesn't pay" thing was deeply ingrained in her by her southern belle mom and dad. When that's what you're taught that's what you know.

She made substantially less than I did so its not like I wasn't gonna pay, but I hear ya; the reach for the purse is a nice gesture. I suggest broaching the topic under the guise of being jovial. "IMAX? Cool! Oh wait it's like $100 and I'm saving up for <insert Blake's new phone>. hmm wanna go Dutch or can you chip in?" See what her response is. She may just think its norm for the guy to foot the bill if y'all are dating and won't think of it until you say something. 

Ok not so short after all


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## Benjamin Baxter (Jun 15, 2013)

You could always accidentally leave your wallet at home that day and see what happens. Then you could blame yoir bad memory...


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## Bill Lins (Jun 15, 2013)

I'd go with tim's suggestion. If she asks to go somewhere, just tell her that you can't afford to go at that time. Her response will tell you what you need to know.


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## JTM (Jun 15, 2013)

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I always pay when you and I go out.  The last time at grand lodge, my bill was pretty ridiculous.

Seriously though, there are a couple of things to this.  Do you have your budget laid out? I save up and budget more than normal for grand lodge.  Is this impacting your budget in an incredibly negative way?  If so you need to stop regardless of how either you or her feel about it.

Then there's the second question... have you talked to her about it?  It sounds like you haven't.  If you are feeling resentment about it then you've already let it go to far and that's really your own fault.  Take a step back, tell her that you don't feel comfortable about it and ask her if she could either foot the bill for it or figure something else to do.  
You don't have to go out and spend a ton of money.  If she's of the mind that you do need to spend money that should be budgeted someway else, then work it out, or don't.  

I bet that when you bring it up y'all will both be happier and respect the budget more.  Once you do that then the entire relationship will likely improve.

My two cents.


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## JohnPatrick (Jun 16, 2013)

My brother, I have been in the same situation. It has been my experience that she was looking to provide a better time for her child than she could afford. I would have that conversation - many times its not based out of greed or not wanting to pay. Try that my brother and be well.   


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## Txmason (Jun 16, 2013)

Bro. Blake 

Sounds like she's trying to have you pay for everything, but isn't her son her responsibility? Not yours? 

I would say unless you both got married you should pay for you and your children and she should pay for her and her children. 

If just the two of you go on a date alone then yes you should pay. It sounds like she is trying to have you do everything. She could contribute such as parking, valet, tips. Your birthday dinner etc. 

I have been through dating a gal only once. I've been single for nine years. Long story short, she wanted me to marry her and change religions plus she was a pathological liar too. But that's another story...

If she loves you like I'm sure she does she would offer to help out because who knows y'all might become a family someday. Although I have not had the chance to meet you in person yet, I am certainly proud of all the work you have done with MoT and all the help you have given to the brethren on here. 

By the way Happy Father's Day Blake and a Happy Father's Day to all the masons on here!

Bro. Jerry


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## Bro. Stewart P.M. (Jun 16, 2013)

Talk to her.

Anything that bothers you, SHE needs to know about.


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## jwhoff (Jun 16, 2013)

Don't ask me.  I just want to go to Grand Lodge with JTM!  :40:    Talk to her.  You need to put all the cards on the table.  A lifetime is a terrible thing to waste.


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## Txmason (Jun 16, 2013)

Jwhoff you are going to GL? When? Need a photographer? Happy Fathers Day by the way!


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## robert leachman (Jun 16, 2013)

You need to talk to her, not read our posts here!


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## Blake Bowden (Jun 17, 2013)

Bro. Stewart said:


> Talk to her.
> 
> Anything that bothers you, SHE needs to know about.



Done and problem solved  I hated to bring it up, but I knew if I didn't, things wouldn't improve. In the beginning of our relationship I was very adamant on paying for everything so it almost became routine. She explained, and was right that in the beginning she did offer, but I would always turn her down. She also said that she always carries money for herself and her son. I went on to say that I wasn't looking for her to go dutch on every date, but that on occasion I would like to be treated. We agreed and she was more than willing to listen to my issue and explain things from her perspective. Thanks for all the input


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## tim (Jun 17, 2013)

I have LEARNED that letting any concern go is far worse than just attacking it head on.  Had you of waited you may possibly have exploded over what is a non issue.  

I am elated at your outcome.  


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## DJGurkins (Jun 17, 2013)

I am happy for the two of you Brother. It is refreshing to see people handle a sticky situation with maturity and logic. Sounds like you have a pretty special Gal there.


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## dfreybur (Jun 17, 2013)

Blake Bowden said:


> Done and problem solved  I hated to bring it up, but I knew if I didn't, things wouldn't improve.



Other than working it out between you I don't think there *is* a right answer.

A man who's courting will often want to pay to demonstrate he's a good provider and a good catch.  It looks like you started out that way.  A woman who's dating for fun without any long term goal will often want to alternate to represent that symbolically.  This combination presents its own problem - One woman took me to a nice dinner after several months of dating.  "Can't a woman take her boyfriend to a nice dinner every so often?"  It sounded nice on the surface until she dropped me a week or two later.

But it can also work as an alternation to demonstrate partnership.


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## rpbrown (Jun 17, 2013)

I am a little late to the party here and glad that the two of you have worked it out.

Now to my answer of the original question, I have always paid on a date. Didn't matter if her child went or not, I would pay. I guess thats just the southern raising that was instilled into me from my parents and grand parents.

With that said, I have also been divorced a couple of times because of that same upbringing. You see, I was raised that when you are married, all monies went into one account and both people had access to that account. Well, 2 of my ex's wanted my checks to go into the household account to pay all bills and such with both of us having access. But wanted their checks in an account for their use only and me not having access. Tried to get over it but couldn't so we divorced X2.


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## JTM (Jun 20, 2013)

Blake Bowden said:


> Done and problem solved  I hated to bring it up, but I knew if I didn't, things wouldn't improve. In the beginning of our relationship I was very adamant on paying for everything so it almost became routine. She explained, and was right that in the beginning she did offer, but I would always turn her down. She also said that she always carries money for herself and her son. I went on to say that I wasn't looking for her to go dutch on every date, but that on occasion I would like to be treated. We agreed and she was more than willing to listen to my issue and explain things from her perspective. Thanks for all the input




Sweet.  Good job man
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